Post by Stoney on Jun 8, 2008 20:10:32 GMT -5
And We Were The Rulers: A Fanfiction Mockery by Stoney[/u]
Summary: “A fanfiction telling of the downfall of the Twilight Realm, the world of Light, Hyrule and the Hell Goats.”
I was browsing Fanfiction.Net the other day, as I tend to do on occasion, and I came across this little gem of a story on the first page of the Zelda category. It contained only one chapter, with less than a thousand words, but the summary and title looked decent enough.
Also: Hell Goats.
Hell Goats.
If those two words juxtaposed are not the most awesome thing you have ever seen, then you clearly have been spending too much time pouring bleach into your eyes.
So I clicked on this story, hoping against hope for epic battles between Link and an army of demonic headbutting monstrosities. Instead I was greeted with an incredible mixture of horror and hilarity. My friends, we have a winner on our hands.
This mockery will NOT be done in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 style, simply because I’ve seen such stories everywhere and their script format is starting to wear on my nerves. Instead, all of my snide comments and unrelated asides will be placed in bold, while the original story itself remains unbolded, and completely verbatim.
I repeat, for clarity: none of the text in this story has been altered. The only changes that have been made are the insertion of my comments. If you want proof, the original story can be viewed at the following URL:
www.fanfiction.net/s/4308010/1/And_We_Were_the_Rulers
So, has everyone found their Happy Place? Excellent! Let us begin this descent into idiocy.
Link was a black and orange wolf that liked to play in the twilight real.
It’s the first sentence of the fic and there are two continuity errors already. First of all, Link’s wolf form is black and grey. He only looks orange in the Twilight thanks to uncanny levels of bloom technology. Secondly, what the flying f**k is the “twilight real”? Have we entered the Matrix?
At least there are no spelling errors yet. But wait…
Sommetimes he woud play with short twili girl friend named Minda who had orange hair and a lazy eye.
spokee too soon. (Misspelling Count: 3)
Oh look, it’s Minda! She’s Midna’s retarded second cousin that Link keeps locked in his basement. She also happens to be one of the main characters of this fanfic. Poor gal.
shed ride on his back sommetimes and give him hents to kill the evil twili.
According to Dictionary.com, hent is an archaic verb meaning “to seize”. Apparently it’s a noun now…unless Minda is giving Link seizures. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, since she’s THAT ugly.
The evil twili were spanned from Zant who was a bad twili.
Bad Zant! Naughty, naughty Zant! No biscuit for you!
one day, zant was praticing for dance class wehn Link the wolf came running by and he saw him dancing.
Oh snap, Zant is already unimportant enough to have lost Proper Noun status. That’s just sad.
Also; Zant, in Dance Class? Is he hoping to be a beautiful ballerina when he grows up? He’s certainly skilled at the pirouette…
Mida larffed at him
“LARFF LARFF LARFF!”
(This is Mida’s cameo appearance. She’s Mido’s retarded second cousin that Saria keeps locked in the Forest Temple’s basement. No, she and Minda are not in any way related.)
and Zant felt bad.
=(
"I wil embearess you one day, link I promise"
Except Link wasn’t the one who was laughing. He was just standing around and scratching at fleas or something, don’t drag him into your little temper tantrum.
but litttle did he no that it was no link who ahad larffedand he pransed again and spun in the air singin.
Was that…English?
No, couldn’t have been. It must've been Engilsh, English’s retarded second cousin. I think I have a translation book for it around here somewhere…
Ah, here we go. That sentence basically turned Zant into a prancing gay man while reiterating the point I just made, which was that Link did nothing that deserved being em-essed with a bear. *shuts book*
By the way, this was the location of the first paragraph break in the original story. Seriously, everything before was contained within a giant brick of text.
(Misspelling Count: 19)
Link had allways had a big crush on minda becaus she looked pretter than zelda.
Good GOD. I feel really, really sorry for Zelda now, that was an ice burn like no other. I feel even sorrier for Midna, though; she isn’t mentioned at all.
he wished that she liked him to but it was nasty for a imp lik her to like him.
To mention nothing of the fact that if all imps look similar to Midna, then she’d look eight years old. Not creepy at all, nope.
anyway he had a big crush on her and one day in the twilight real, he planed to tell her that he had a crush on her.
Again, where the heck is this? Is the author actually referring to the Twilight Realm and not the Twilight that used to be consuming Hyrule? If so, why doesn’t he/she just SAY so?
So they sat down in the trilight grass
Oh snap, the grass has found the Triforce and turned Super Saiyan! The weed-whackers of the world may as well lay their arms down in defeat.
and he begaen his confession. "minda I really like you your so cute and preytty you look a whole lot bettter than naburu evem thogh you guys are both blak"
That was the greatest confession of love in the entire history of romance.
“Hey baby, you’re hot. I like you way better than that other chick even though I’m a racist.”
I am so deeply moved, I might just cry.
Also, Nabooru isn’t black; she’s an olive-skinned exotic beauty. Midna isn’t fully black either, but I can’t say the same thing for her retarded second cousin.
(Misspelling Count: 35)
but mean while...
Zant was talking to Gabondorf becaus he need help.
Welcome to the local Villains Anonymous meeting.
Gabondorf, as it turns out, is NOT Ganondorf’s retarded second cousin. He’s Ganondorf’s first cousin. It’s totally different and I am creative, shut up.
"Gabondorf I need some power to embearess link he laugh at me. "
“Let me summon Captain Planet! Please please please pretty please?”
"then I will be your godd. you will have to bow down to me and kil pepple that I tell you to becaus I am Gabondorf"
All hail King ‘Tard-Ass.
Dictionary.com states that “kil” is an abbreviation for “kilometer”. Apparently Gabondorf wants to measure people’s heights with a wildly inappropriate scale. Why? Well, why not?
"ok" said Zant and he bowed down to Gabondorf.
And so, Zant promptly lost the spine he revealed to us in the game’s ending cut scene.
and then he got powers!
The powers of love, baby. OH YEAH!
He was powerful once again and coud kil link and larff at him.
“LARFF LARFF LARFF!”
"yes!" zant shoted in extacy.
See? Powers of Love.
…What, you thought I was kidding?
Also, if this turns into a lemon then I swear to God I am turning this mockery right back around and driving home.
(Misspelling Count: 51)
Back to Link and minda. Minda was gladed that link loved her and they huged.
Hugs!
This is sweet in the same way that a blind three-legged kitten with severe Downs Syndrome licking your hand is sweet. It’s also just as painful to watch.
"i love you too link" and they kissed each others ilps.
Oh, ew! Get your mouths away from those, you don’t know where they’ve been!
But oliver sudden,
Hey look, it’s this story’s Oliver P. Twist. The “P” stands for Plot, of course.
a speer made from tilight engery fell and smackd the ground neer midna. it was zant! he threw the speer!
The Spear of Love, baby. Also known as Cupid’s Arrow! Sadly, it was unnecessary here, and even sadder, Zant’s a terrible shot.
But hey, look, it's Midna! Hi Midna!
He larffed
“LARFF LARFF LARFF!”
No, I still don’t know what that word is supposed to mean. Let’s keep going.
"link and midna sitting in a tree, k-i-s-i-i-n-g"
…
He…
He misspelled the word.
He misspelled THAT word in THAT song. DELIBERATELY. Look at those hyphens; that was not a typo.
THAT WORD IS THE ENTIRE FOCUS OF THE SONG, HOW COULD HEAUKGFgbadsfhjewiaep;gihr
"stop that zant or I will drow bomb at you so stop it"
yes please stop it i can’t take anymore
Zant slapped him a cross the face and two of link's hearts did and then he floated in the air becaus he had wingarms now.
brain…breaking…lowercase…consuming…argh…dnrrrgh…
"i will kept you safe minda i promise on my heart!"
!
yes…that’s right…link isn’t backing down, neither should I…
I AM RENEWED! Thank you, Powers of Love!
LET’S CONTINUE!
"but link you have no heart"And then link died becaus he had non heart.
………
Ashgsjdlasirhreblaaaaargh
O-okay, I think I’m good now. Let’s get this over with.
"noooo! minda cried" midna cried.
Whoa, Midna returns with a useful status update! Thank you, Midna.
Also, Zant, you are a cold-blooded sonuvabitch for making Minda cry. Hasn’t she had enough hardship in her life already? Bad Zant!
(Misspelling Count: 71)
"ha haaaaar!" larffed Zant.
Oh, so THAT’S what a larff is. I like my version better.
Midna was devastated. At such a tender moment in her life, the Ursurper king had come to ruin her, drive her like a slave horse into a deep, dark tunnel of endless torment and grief.
Oh God, she’s turned emo. ZANT, YOU BASTARD.
Her love had been snatched away from her bossom,
Leaving it free for Tony to glomp!
snatched away just as Link's clawshot snatched him way from evil and onto some roof.
Hello bizarre non-sequitur analogy.
But there was no roof for her nor Link.
Damn, looks like destroying the Glass Ceiling backfired.
There was only bitterness and the deep, stinging notion of losing the love emblem of your life.
Hide the razor blades.
"now i kill you, Midna!" and Zant shot a blackball a midna.
OH GOD PRESS “L” AND “R” TO DODGE QUICK QUICK QUICK—
but then oliver sudden it blew up
Oh.
Yay, it’s the return of Oliver P. Twist! Once wasn’t enough? Then here, readers, have some more.
and Gabondorf's face formed out of the in the grey clouds.
"i commend you to stop and i mean it stop! Don't her her." Zant stoppd but stared at Gabondorf anger.
Wait, who is angry, Gabondorf or Zant? How’d Gabondorf get all Mufasa on us all of a sudden? Where’d Minda go? WHY ISN’T LINK ALIVE YET? Did he leave all of his fairies in his other pair of tights?!
"midna wil come wit me and together we wil rule the twilight zone AND Highrule."
Uh-oh, Sonic is in trouble. Someone call G.U.N.!
"I no do want to be your queen"
…What?
I think Midna inherited more from her grandfather than just being short, having big long pointed ears, and levitating objects with her mind.
"shut up! i am Gabondorf and Gabondorf is me."
What an enlightening statement of enlightenment. I think I'll start using this reason when I want people to shut up.
"no I wil no shut up"
“Shut up, I will not. Shut up, you should, hmm hmm hmm!”
"fine then I will destroy you. Ha haaaar1"
OH NOES HE’S LARFFING. Someone get a bucket!
oliver sudden, tehre were zombies everywhere and they were screaming. one got a hold of minda and she died.
…
……
………
Zan and Gabondorf did a high fiv and tehy cheered. "now we will rule all the hell goats!"
I…
And then, they were the rulers ao al the Hell Goats.
I have no words for what just happened.
Just…
…
…
…Wait, here’s one.
LARFF.
*ahem* So, that was the end of the story. No, I’m not kidding; it was the biggest “WTF” ending I have ever seen. Still, though; Zombie Goats. That’s pretty badass, I guess.
I only hope that the shock of seeing both Link and her retarded second cousin get slaughtered in front of her eyes snapped something in Midna’s brain and changed her into a ruthless killing machine. She could kill the Alpha Hell Goat and take his place, turning the whole herd against Zant and Gabondorf; it would be such a poetic ending and leagues better than this steaming pile of crap.
I find it a bit of a shame that the author waited until the last three lines of the fic to introduce the goats, which are arguably the story's best part. If I had been writing this story, they'd have been the first things I introduced. Other characters would've been optional. Heck, everything else would have been optional.
But who am I kidding? There is no way in all the multiple universes in existence that I would ever write something this bad. I cannot believe that I just sat through it all, and folks, I'm sorry I subjected you to it.
In closing; don’t piss off Oliver P. Twist, for he knows where you sleep and takes payment from the highest bidder.
(Final Misspelling Count: 95)
Summary: “A fanfiction telling of the downfall of the Twilight Realm, the world of Light, Hyrule and the Hell Goats.”
I was browsing Fanfiction.Net the other day, as I tend to do on occasion, and I came across this little gem of a story on the first page of the Zelda category. It contained only one chapter, with less than a thousand words, but the summary and title looked decent enough.
Also: Hell Goats.
Hell Goats.
If those two words juxtaposed are not the most awesome thing you have ever seen, then you clearly have been spending too much time pouring bleach into your eyes.
So I clicked on this story, hoping against hope for epic battles between Link and an army of demonic headbutting monstrosities. Instead I was greeted with an incredible mixture of horror and hilarity. My friends, we have a winner on our hands.
This mockery will NOT be done in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 style, simply because I’ve seen such stories everywhere and their script format is starting to wear on my nerves. Instead, all of my snide comments and unrelated asides will be placed in bold, while the original story itself remains unbolded, and completely verbatim.
I repeat, for clarity: none of the text in this story has been altered. The only changes that have been made are the insertion of my comments. If you want proof, the original story can be viewed at the following URL:
www.fanfiction.net/s/4308010/1/And_We_Were_the_Rulers
So, has everyone found their Happy Place? Excellent! Let us begin this descent into idiocy.
Link was a black and orange wolf that liked to play in the twilight real.
It’s the first sentence of the fic and there are two continuity errors already. First of all, Link’s wolf form is black and grey. He only looks orange in the Twilight thanks to uncanny levels of bloom technology. Secondly, what the flying f**k is the “twilight real”? Have we entered the Matrix?
At least there are no spelling errors yet. But wait…
Sommetimes he woud play with short twili girl friend named Minda who had orange hair and a lazy eye.
spokee too soon. (Misspelling Count: 3)
Oh look, it’s Minda! She’s Midna’s retarded second cousin that Link keeps locked in his basement. She also happens to be one of the main characters of this fanfic. Poor gal.
shed ride on his back sommetimes and give him hents to kill the evil twili.
According to Dictionary.com, hent is an archaic verb meaning “to seize”. Apparently it’s a noun now…unless Minda is giving Link seizures. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, since she’s THAT ugly.
The evil twili were spanned from Zant who was a bad twili.
Bad Zant! Naughty, naughty Zant! No biscuit for you!
one day, zant was praticing for dance class wehn Link the wolf came running by and he saw him dancing.
Oh snap, Zant is already unimportant enough to have lost Proper Noun status. That’s just sad.
Also; Zant, in Dance Class? Is he hoping to be a beautiful ballerina when he grows up? He’s certainly skilled at the pirouette…
Mida larffed at him
“LARFF LARFF LARFF!”
(This is Mida’s cameo appearance. She’s Mido’s retarded second cousin that Saria keeps locked in the Forest Temple’s basement. No, she and Minda are not in any way related.)
and Zant felt bad.
=(
"I wil embearess you one day, link I promise"
Except Link wasn’t the one who was laughing. He was just standing around and scratching at fleas or something, don’t drag him into your little temper tantrum.
but litttle did he no that it was no link who ahad larffedand he pransed again and spun in the air singin.
Was that…English?
No, couldn’t have been. It must've been Engilsh, English’s retarded second cousin. I think I have a translation book for it around here somewhere…
Ah, here we go. That sentence basically turned Zant into a prancing gay man while reiterating the point I just made, which was that Link did nothing that deserved being em-essed with a bear. *shuts book*
By the way, this was the location of the first paragraph break in the original story. Seriously, everything before was contained within a giant brick of text.
(Misspelling Count: 19)
Link had allways had a big crush on minda becaus she looked pretter than zelda.
Good GOD. I feel really, really sorry for Zelda now, that was an ice burn like no other. I feel even sorrier for Midna, though; she isn’t mentioned at all.
he wished that she liked him to but it was nasty for a imp lik her to like him.
To mention nothing of the fact that if all imps look similar to Midna, then she’d look eight years old. Not creepy at all, nope.
anyway he had a big crush on her and one day in the twilight real, he planed to tell her that he had a crush on her.
Again, where the heck is this? Is the author actually referring to the Twilight Realm and not the Twilight that used to be consuming Hyrule? If so, why doesn’t he/she just SAY so?
So they sat down in the trilight grass
Oh snap, the grass has found the Triforce and turned Super Saiyan! The weed-whackers of the world may as well lay their arms down in defeat.
and he begaen his confession. "minda I really like you your so cute and preytty you look a whole lot bettter than naburu evem thogh you guys are both blak"
That was the greatest confession of love in the entire history of romance.
“Hey baby, you’re hot. I like you way better than that other chick even though I’m a racist.”
I am so deeply moved, I might just cry.
Also, Nabooru isn’t black; she’s an olive-skinned exotic beauty. Midna isn’t fully black either, but I can’t say the same thing for her retarded second cousin.
(Misspelling Count: 35)
but mean while...
Zant was talking to Gabondorf becaus he need help.
Welcome to the local Villains Anonymous meeting.
Gabondorf, as it turns out, is NOT Ganondorf’s retarded second cousin. He’s Ganondorf’s first cousin. It’s totally different and I am creative, shut up.
"Gabondorf I need some power to embearess link he laugh at me. "
“Let me summon Captain Planet! Please please please pretty please?”
"then I will be your godd. you will have to bow down to me and kil pepple that I tell you to becaus I am Gabondorf"
All hail King ‘Tard-Ass.
Dictionary.com states that “kil” is an abbreviation for “kilometer”. Apparently Gabondorf wants to measure people’s heights with a wildly inappropriate scale. Why? Well, why not?
"ok" said Zant and he bowed down to Gabondorf.
And so, Zant promptly lost the spine he revealed to us in the game’s ending cut scene.
and then he got powers!
The powers of love, baby. OH YEAH!
He was powerful once again and coud kil link and larff at him.
“LARFF LARFF LARFF!”
"yes!" zant shoted in extacy.
See? Powers of Love.
…What, you thought I was kidding?
Also, if this turns into a lemon then I swear to God I am turning this mockery right back around and driving home.
(Misspelling Count: 51)
Back to Link and minda. Minda was gladed that link loved her and they huged.
Hugs!
This is sweet in the same way that a blind three-legged kitten with severe Downs Syndrome licking your hand is sweet. It’s also just as painful to watch.
"i love you too link" and they kissed each others ilps.
Oh, ew! Get your mouths away from those, you don’t know where they’ve been!
But oliver sudden,
Hey look, it’s this story’s Oliver P. Twist. The “P” stands for Plot, of course.
a speer made from tilight engery fell and smackd the ground neer midna. it was zant! he threw the speer!
The Spear of Love, baby. Also known as Cupid’s Arrow! Sadly, it was unnecessary here, and even sadder, Zant’s a terrible shot.
But hey, look, it's Midna! Hi Midna!
He larffed
“LARFF LARFF LARFF!”
No, I still don’t know what that word is supposed to mean. Let’s keep going.
"link and midna sitting in a tree, k-i-s-i-i-n-g"
…
He…
He misspelled the word.
He misspelled THAT word in THAT song. DELIBERATELY. Look at those hyphens; that was not a typo.
THAT WORD IS THE ENTIRE FOCUS OF THE SONG, HOW COULD HEAUKGFgbadsfhjewiaep;gihr
"stop that zant or I will drow bomb at you so stop it"
yes please stop it i can’t take anymore
Zant slapped him a cross the face and two of link's hearts did and then he floated in the air becaus he had wingarms now.
brain…breaking…lowercase…consuming…argh…dnrrrgh…
"i will kept you safe minda i promise on my heart!"
!
yes…that’s right…link isn’t backing down, neither should I…
I AM RENEWED! Thank you, Powers of Love!
LET’S CONTINUE!
"but link you have no heart"And then link died becaus he had non heart.
………
Ashgsjdlasirhreblaaaaargh
O-okay, I think I’m good now. Let’s get this over with.
"noooo! minda cried" midna cried.
Whoa, Midna returns with a useful status update! Thank you, Midna.
Also, Zant, you are a cold-blooded sonuvabitch for making Minda cry. Hasn’t she had enough hardship in her life already? Bad Zant!
(Misspelling Count: 71)
"ha haaaaar!" larffed Zant.
Oh, so THAT’S what a larff is. I like my version better.
Midna was devastated. At such a tender moment in her life, the Ursurper king had come to ruin her, drive her like a slave horse into a deep, dark tunnel of endless torment and grief.
Oh God, she’s turned emo. ZANT, YOU BASTARD.
Her love had been snatched away from her bossom,
Leaving it free for Tony to glomp!
snatched away just as Link's clawshot snatched him way from evil and onto some roof.
Hello bizarre non-sequitur analogy.
But there was no roof for her nor Link.
Damn, looks like destroying the Glass Ceiling backfired.
There was only bitterness and the deep, stinging notion of losing the love emblem of your life.
Hide the razor blades.
"now i kill you, Midna!" and Zant shot a blackball a midna.
OH GOD PRESS “L” AND “R” TO DODGE QUICK QUICK QUICK—
but then oliver sudden it blew up
Oh.
Yay, it’s the return of Oliver P. Twist! Once wasn’t enough? Then here, readers, have some more.
and Gabondorf's face formed out of the in the grey clouds.
"i commend you to stop and i mean it stop! Don't her her." Zant stoppd but stared at Gabondorf anger.
Wait, who is angry, Gabondorf or Zant? How’d Gabondorf get all Mufasa on us all of a sudden? Where’d Minda go? WHY ISN’T LINK ALIVE YET? Did he leave all of his fairies in his other pair of tights?!
"midna wil come wit me and together we wil rule the twilight zone AND Highrule."
Uh-oh, Sonic is in trouble. Someone call G.U.N.!
"I no do want to be your queen"
…What?
I think Midna inherited more from her grandfather than just being short, having big long pointed ears, and levitating objects with her mind.
"shut up! i am Gabondorf and Gabondorf is me."
What an enlightening statement of enlightenment. I think I'll start using this reason when I want people to shut up.
"no I wil no shut up"
“Shut up, I will not. Shut up, you should, hmm hmm hmm!”
"fine then I will destroy you. Ha haaaar1"
OH NOES HE’S LARFFING. Someone get a bucket!
oliver sudden, tehre were zombies everywhere and they were screaming. one got a hold of minda and she died.
…
……
………
Zan and Gabondorf did a high fiv and tehy cheered. "now we will rule all the hell goats!"
I…
And then, they were the rulers ao al the Hell Goats.
I have no words for what just happened.
Just…
…
…
…Wait, here’s one.
LARFF.
*ahem* So, that was the end of the story. No, I’m not kidding; it was the biggest “WTF” ending I have ever seen. Still, though; Zombie Goats. That’s pretty badass, I guess.
I only hope that the shock of seeing both Link and her retarded second cousin get slaughtered in front of her eyes snapped something in Midna’s brain and changed her into a ruthless killing machine. She could kill the Alpha Hell Goat and take his place, turning the whole herd against Zant and Gabondorf; it would be such a poetic ending and leagues better than this steaming pile of crap.
I find it a bit of a shame that the author waited until the last three lines of the fic to introduce the goats, which are arguably the story's best part. If I had been writing this story, they'd have been the first things I introduced. Other characters would've been optional. Heck, everything else would have been optional.
But who am I kidding? There is no way in all the multiple universes in existence that I would ever write something this bad. I cannot believe that I just sat through it all, and folks, I'm sorry I subjected you to it.
In closing; don’t piss off Oliver P. Twist, for he knows where you sleep and takes payment from the highest bidder.
(Final Misspelling Count: 95)
Not even humans can be that mad! Vhozons however, can be that mad. I guess it's a Vhozon in disguise.
